A Recovering Perfectionist
Dear Friends,
I've been a perfectionist for as long as I can remember. I used to think it was a good characteristic to have until God showed me differently. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Although I wasn't really aware at the time, I had made life all about being perfect in everything I did and this put a tremendous pressure on me. I hasten to add at this point that this pressure wasn't from anyone else but myself. So I was constantly pushing myself hard at school to achieve, then again when I was at university studying to be a teacher, and being very hard on myself when I didn't do as well as I thought I should at teaching practices. As a wife and later a mother I again strove for perfection and was so critical and judgemental of myself. I had a strict routine which I "had" to follow, so for example, Mondays were the days I had to clean my home from top to bottom, and I had set days for washing dark clothes and light clothes. You may laugh and I realise it does sound laughable, but if I didn't accomplish things in the order and way they should be done, then I had failed in some way (in my eyes). My church life and relationship with God was about going to all the meetings midweek and Sundays and my service at church was approached in the same way. I set impossibly high standards for myself in everything, not realising that they were unattainable and not realising that I was also placing an unnecessary burden on my life.
It took something quite drastic for God to help me understand the truth. He may have been trying to gain my attention before this but if he had, I wasn't listening. It was through having the illness, M.E, that he enabled me to see the error in my ways and help me to change.
From the beginning of the illness I was unable to do anything in the way I had done before - it was just physically impossible for me, so routine and strict order went out the window. Things were done when and if I had the strength and energy to do them. I could not do them at such a high standard anymore, my body just would not enable me to do so. I had to learn to let things go. If you have tendencies towards perfectionism then you'll appreciate just how hard these lessons were to learn. With limited health my priorities changed - it became more important to spend what energy I had with Jason and the children, rather than making sure the house was clean and tidy. Life became less about "doing" and more about "being".
I learnt to rest in God's presence and learnt more about what he wanted for me and not what I believed he wanted from me. God helped me to become less critical and judgemental of myself and to be more loving. We are told in Romans 8:1 "So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus." (NLT) God has saved us by his grace, he has made us righteous because of Jesus and there is no longer any condemnation for us, yet all that time I had been condemning and judging myself for not living perfectly. Never once did God treat me harshly or with criticism when I made mistakes or got things wrong, instead he gave me his unconditional love and unlimited grace.
God showed me how wrong perfectionism is, that it is a weakness rather than a strength. When God reveals his truth and not "the truth as you see it" it is liberating. Jesus said in John 8:32 "And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (NLT).
I had made life a burden, but this was not the life God intended for me, or indeed, for any of us. "28 Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”" Matthew 11:28-30 (NLT)
Nowhere does the bible encourage or teach perfectionism but it does teach us to do our best. "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters," Colossians 3:23 (NIV) You and I can never be perfect, but we can always do our best. My best will vary from day to day, often it will be dependent on how healthy and strong I am at the time, but I can always consistently do my best whatever the circumstances may be. It was something I remember my parents encouraging me to do from when I was a child, yet I had never consistently put it into practice because I was so personally driven towards perfectionism.
As the bible says "22 throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. 23 Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. 24 Put on your new nature, created to be like God—truly righteous and holy." Ephesians 4:22-24 (NLT). And I really needed God, by his Spirit, to renew my thoughts and attitudes when it came to perfectionism.
I call myself a recovering perfectionist because I still have tendencies towards perfectionism and when you've been a perfectionist for most of your life it can be hard to break the habit. But, thank God, he is stronger and more powerful than any habit, and with the aid of his Holy Spirit I have access to his power at work in me, to change me and make me more like his Son. On those occasions when I do find myself slipping back into perfectionism I know he is ready to forgive me the moment I ask for it. "If we claim that we’re free of sin, we’re only fooling ourselves. A claim like that is errant nonsense. On the other hand, if we admit our sins—make a clean breast of them—he won’t let us down; he’ll be true to himself. He’ll forgive our sins and purge us of all wrongdoing." 1 John 1:8-9 (The Message) God extends his grace to me and helps me to start afresh.
To Think About:
God doesn't want any of us to live under the burden of perfectionism and if you too are struggling with it he longs to release you from the weight of it. Why don't you spend some time with God asking him to release you from this burden so that you can experience the joy that comes from living life as God intended. Please know, that whoever you are, I'm praying the same for you as I write this post.
Do you struggle to believe that your best is "good enough"? Our Christian life is not about being performance based and deserving God's love but rather it's about God's grace and love for us. Remind yourself of the truth of God's love for you with verses such as Romans 8:38-39 "38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." (NLT) and the truth of God's grace such as Ephesians 2:8 "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—" (NIV)
Vicki
I've been a perfectionist for as long as I can remember. I used to think it was a good characteristic to have until God showed me differently. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Although I wasn't really aware at the time, I had made life all about being perfect in everything I did and this put a tremendous pressure on me. I hasten to add at this point that this pressure wasn't from anyone else but myself. So I was constantly pushing myself hard at school to achieve, then again when I was at university studying to be a teacher, and being very hard on myself when I didn't do as well as I thought I should at teaching practices. As a wife and later a mother I again strove for perfection and was so critical and judgemental of myself. I had a strict routine which I "had" to follow, so for example, Mondays were the days I had to clean my home from top to bottom, and I had set days for washing dark clothes and light clothes. You may laugh and I realise it does sound laughable, but if I didn't accomplish things in the order and way they should be done, then I had failed in some way (in my eyes). My church life and relationship with God was about going to all the meetings midweek and Sundays and my service at church was approached in the same way. I set impossibly high standards for myself in everything, not realising that they were unattainable and not realising that I was also placing an unnecessary burden on my life.
It took something quite drastic for God to help me understand the truth. He may have been trying to gain my attention before this but if he had, I wasn't listening. It was through having the illness, M.E, that he enabled me to see the error in my ways and help me to change.
From the beginning of the illness I was unable to do anything in the way I had done before - it was just physically impossible for me, so routine and strict order went out the window. Things were done when and if I had the strength and energy to do them. I could not do them at such a high standard anymore, my body just would not enable me to do so. I had to learn to let things go. If you have tendencies towards perfectionism then you'll appreciate just how hard these lessons were to learn. With limited health my priorities changed - it became more important to spend what energy I had with Jason and the children, rather than making sure the house was clean and tidy. Life became less about "doing" and more about "being".
I learnt to rest in God's presence and learnt more about what he wanted for me and not what I believed he wanted from me. God helped me to become less critical and judgemental of myself and to be more loving. We are told in Romans 8:1 "So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus." (NLT) God has saved us by his grace, he has made us righteous because of Jesus and there is no longer any condemnation for us, yet all that time I had been condemning and judging myself for not living perfectly. Never once did God treat me harshly or with criticism when I made mistakes or got things wrong, instead he gave me his unconditional love and unlimited grace.
God showed me how wrong perfectionism is, that it is a weakness rather than a strength. When God reveals his truth and not "the truth as you see it" it is liberating. Jesus said in John 8:32 "And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (NLT).
I had made life a burden, but this was not the life God intended for me, or indeed, for any of us. "28 Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”" Matthew 11:28-30 (NLT)
Nowhere does the bible encourage or teach perfectionism but it does teach us to do our best. "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters," Colossians 3:23 (NIV) You and I can never be perfect, but we can always do our best. My best will vary from day to day, often it will be dependent on how healthy and strong I am at the time, but I can always consistently do my best whatever the circumstances may be. It was something I remember my parents encouraging me to do from when I was a child, yet I had never consistently put it into practice because I was so personally driven towards perfectionism.
As the bible says "22 throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. 23 Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. 24 Put on your new nature, created to be like God—truly righteous and holy." Ephesians 4:22-24 (NLT). And I really needed God, by his Spirit, to renew my thoughts and attitudes when it came to perfectionism.
I call myself a recovering perfectionist because I still have tendencies towards perfectionism and when you've been a perfectionist for most of your life it can be hard to break the habit. But, thank God, he is stronger and more powerful than any habit, and with the aid of his Holy Spirit I have access to his power at work in me, to change me and make me more like his Son. On those occasions when I do find myself slipping back into perfectionism I know he is ready to forgive me the moment I ask for it. "If we claim that we’re free of sin, we’re only fooling ourselves. A claim like that is errant nonsense. On the other hand, if we admit our sins—make a clean breast of them—he won’t let us down; he’ll be true to himself. He’ll forgive our sins and purge us of all wrongdoing." 1 John 1:8-9 (The Message) God extends his grace to me and helps me to start afresh.
To Think About:
God doesn't want any of us to live under the burden of perfectionism and if you too are struggling with it he longs to release you from the weight of it. Why don't you spend some time with God asking him to release you from this burden so that you can experience the joy that comes from living life as God intended. Please know, that whoever you are, I'm praying the same for you as I write this post.
Do you struggle to believe that your best is "good enough"? Our Christian life is not about being performance based and deserving God's love but rather it's about God's grace and love for us. Remind yourself of the truth of God's love for you with verses such as Romans 8:38-39 "38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." (NLT) and the truth of God's grace such as Ephesians 2:8 "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—" (NIV)
Vicki
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